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Handling Confrontations

One of the classic techniques for delivering strong messages without alienating someone else, is to phrase your messages in "I' terms, rather than "you" attacks. The moment that we phrase our feedback in "you" terms, we are blaming, name calling or stereotyping. And most people, upon hearing themselves described in a certain manner, will go on the defensive or attack in return. Neither approach is conducive to good communication. 

When we state our opinions in "I" terms, the listener hears something about us, rather than something about them. It shifts the ground on which we stand when we speak and makes for more open communication, even when the same ideas are being expressed. 

We've listed some examples of "You" messages, and then put some sample "I" rephrases to illustrate the point. As you read through these, you will undoubtedly see how the "I" messages would probably keep the communication on a positive note. The first statement is obviously the "you" message, and the second in each pair is the "I" rephrasing. Incidentally, you should note that there are many ways to rephrase the first statement. We've just included one example. 
 

    "You are always late." 

    "I would appreciate it if you arrived on time." 

    "You should work a little harder. Everyone would benefit." 

    "We will both benefit if we both stick to our agreements." 

    "You make me upset." 

    "I feel upset." 

    "You were wrong when you did that." 

    "I think you shouldn't do that." 

    "I've been doing my share. You are the lazy one." 

    "I feel like you haven't contributed as much as I expected. This is annoying to me."

    "You are so irresponsible. It's a wonder anyone can work with you."

    "I find it difficult to work with you when I see you not taking responsibility." 

    "You shouldn't eat so much." 

    "It worries me to see you eating to much." 

Give it a try. It takes a while to feel comfortable with "I" messages. In the long run, however, you'll find yourself able to make strong statements without creating hostility in your listener. 

Janelle Barlow, President TMI, USA  

Previous "Dolphin Relationship Lagoon" pages: 
#1    #2    #3
     #4    #5
   
Please e-mail or fax us any ideas you have about improving your relationships and communicating better. Your statements don't have to be lengthy. Your contributions will be meaningful to TMI's website visitors. Thanks. 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
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