Peacock Humor Pen
How
to Write a College Paper
1. Sit in a
straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted
place with plenty of freshly sharpened
pencils.
2. Read over the
assignment carefully, to make certain you
understand it.
3. Walk down to
the vending machines and buy some coffee to help
you concentrate.
4. Stop off at
the third floor, on the way back and visit with
your friend from class. If your friend hasn't
started the paper yet either, you can both walk
to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help
you concentrate. If your friend shows you his
paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of
those irritating see-thru plastic folders,
drop him.
5. When you get
back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable
chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty
of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the
assignment again to make absolutely certain you
understand it.
7. You know, you
haven't written to that kid you met at camp
since fourth grade. You'd better write that
letter now and get it our of the way so you can
concentrate.
8. Go look at
your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to your
favorite CD and that's it, I mean it, as soon as
it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Play just the
first track again.
11. Rearrange all
of your CDs into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your
friend on the third floor and ask if he's started
writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about
your teacher, the course, the university, the
world at large.
13. Sit in a
straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well
lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened
pencils.
14. Read over the
assignment again; roll the words across your
tongue; savor its special flavor.
15. Check the
newspaper listings to make sure you aren't
missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE:
When you have a paper due in less than 12
hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece
Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly
worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro
Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don
Ameche.
16. Catch the
last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel
26.
17. Phone your
friend on the third floor to see if he was
watching. Discuss the finer points of the
plot.
18. Go look at
your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through
your roommate's book of pictures from home.
Ask who everyone is.
20. Sit down and
do some serious thinking about your plans for the
future.
21. Open your
door and check to see if there are any mysterious
trench-coated strangers lurking in the
hall.
22. Sit in a
straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well
lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened
pencils.
23. Read over the
assignment one more time, just for the hell of
it.
24. Scoot your
chair across the room to the window and watch the
sunrise.
25. Lie face down
on the floor and moan.
Thank you to the
sensitive friend who sent this painful reminder
of reality in college.
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