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OWL BOOK REVIEW
AVIARY
Lerner, Harriet
The Dance of Connection,
How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted,
Betrayed, or Desperate
New York: Harper
Collins Publishers, 2001
ISBN: 0-60-019638-6
Harriet Lerner is
a prolific writer on a variety of psychological topics. In The Dance
of Connection, Lerner encourages her readers to find their "authentic
voice," so when dealing with someone and you feel mad, hurt, etc., you
can bring the power of this voice to that relationship.
Lerner starts out
with a simple example of children playing in a sandbox. They can fight
viciously, and then almost within seconds drop back into peaceful play
again. A child's authentic voice chooses happiness over holding on to righteousness.
Children don't necessarily have to have an apology before they are willing
to resume a relationship.
Most adults can remember
situations like this from childhood. There was a liberation with that approach.
The question is whether we can achieve anything resembling that as adults.
Lerner's book is an attempt to give her readers a chance to do just that.
She does state, however,
that there are no easy answers. And even if you communicate with extreme
effectiveness, there is still no guarantee that your relationships will
move in the direction you want. Having an authentic voice doesn't mean
that you have to say everything you are feeling. Lerner believes that appropriate
communication is strategic communication. That is, there are times to edit,
plan—and as she writes—even pretend.
Lerner's book is primarily
written to women—as are all of her books. But she argues that men aren't
necessarily better or worse than women at speaking with their authentic
voice. This is a human issue.
This is the type of
book that is best put in a place where you have short periods of time to
read because you won't necessarily want to read Lerner's entire book in
one sitting. The book will influence your behavior more profoundly if approached
this way.
Janelle Barlow, President
TMI US
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