JEFFREY MISHLOVE: With me today, to discuss communication, is Virginia Satir. Probably it would be fair to say that Virginia is a living legend -- one of the founders of the whole movement for family therapy, author of nine books, including Peoplemaking, Conjoint Family Therapy, Satir Step by Step, and many others. In fact, an entire discipline of psychology called neurolinguistic programming was virtually founded as an effort by other psychologists to study the incredible therapeutic work by Virginia Satir. A book called The Structure of Magic describes the underlying principles behind her work. Welcome, Virginia. 

MISHLOVE: We're going to be focusing in on communication. One of the points that you make about communication is that we very often fail to communicate what we're really feeling inside -- that we don't really express what our deepest feelings are. 

SATIR: That's true. And if that happens, do you know how often we can be misunderstood? 

MISHLOVE: All the time. 

SATIR: And so you don't understand me, and you make me up. So I say that when we aren't really understanding each other, we hallucinate each other, and then we behave as though our hallucinations are fact. That's how we do it. 

MISHLOVE: And growing up in a family where that's going on can be very tricky. 

SATIR: Oh sure. One of the things I have found -- I found this all over the world, Jeff -- I think it's all because we were born little; I think that's the real problem. Probably it won't happen when we're all born grown up, which I don't expect to see happen. But all over the world, the same problems are present. What are some of them? People are expected to know what somebody else means. 

MISHLOVE: We want other people to be clairvoyant, to read our mind. 

SATIR: Sort of, yes. 

MISHLOVE: Of course we don't really want them to do that either. 

SATIR: But let me tell you something. If you love me and you don't read my mind, it must mean you don't love me. I encounter that a lot. 

MISHLOVE: I shouldn't have to ask.

SATIR: That's right, because if you love me, or I love you, we will know ahead of time. 

MISHLOVE: I should be at your beck and call. Without your ever having to tell me what you need, I should just be there for you. 

SATIR: And you know, when we're talking about that right now, it sounds so ridiculous and absurd. And yet, this is how a lot of people function. You know where I think that came from? I think it came from when we were little kids. I often use this example: mother was at the top of the stairs, and we were putting our hand in the cookie jar. Somebody said, "Take your hand out of the cookie jar." And we got the idea that people could read our minds. Or we were very unhappy at a moment in time, and mother came in just at that time and patted us, or something of that sort. And so, people could read our minds. 

MISHLOVE: You know, I'm a parapsychologist. I have no problem with the fact that we are clairvoyant some of the time, but to demand that all of the time -- it seems to me that maybe we're afraid to ask because of a fear of rejection or something of that sort. 

SATIR: See, there's a difference, Jeff, between being able to connect with somebody else, and acting on that information without checking. Because if we didn't have this thing called rapport between people, we wouldn't be able to even make connections. But the idea that I read your mind, and then I do what fits for me in relation to you, without ever checking with you, becomes a terrible thing. 

MISHLOVE: It could be especially tricky if you read my mind and you're getting a message which is totally different than what I'm telling you. 

SATIR: Exactly. And I still say to people, we haven't developed a science of ESP that well. So let us not go into a basis of thinking that this is what we can do. Let's check things out. If I have a sense with you about something, instead of acting on that I'll ask you, "Is this so?" See, that to me is loving, it's considerate, and it opens up a chance for me to learn something about you, and also a chance for us to commit in a deep way. 

To obtain more information about the Thinking Allowed video tape series, visit www.intuition.org.  

Janelle Barlow, President TMI USA 
 

Previous "Dolphin Relationship Lagoon" pages: 
      #1  
      #2  
      #3  
      #4  
      #5  
      #6  
      #7  
      #8  
      #9  
    #10  
    #11  
    #12  
    #13  
    #14  

   

Please e-mail or fax us any ideas you have about improving your relationships and communicating better. Your statements don't have to be lengthy. Your contributions will be meaningful to TMI's website visitors. Thanks.

 
 

tel: 702 939-1800 
fax: 702 939-1804 
email:  

Website designed by  
©2005, TMI US